When You’re Doing Everything Right but Still Can’t Sleep

Welcome back to The Velvet Runway and this feature about When You’re Doing Everything Right but Still Can’t Sleep.

You’re not broken. You’re not failing at rest. And you’re certainly not alone.

If you have a careful wind‑down routine, avoid screens at night, eat well, move your body, and still find yourself lying awake wondering why sleep won’t come, this post is for you.

Disrupted sleep isn’t a sign of doing something wrong — it’s a sign of a sensitive, intelligent nervous system processing stress, change, hormones, and emotional load. Understanding this can be the first step toward sleeping more peacefully again.

This is not a post about hacks, supplements, or perfect evening routines. It’s about understanding what wakefulness might be signalling — and learning how to respond without panic, self‑blame, or force.

Because sleep isn’t something we force. It’s something we allow.

 When You’re Doing Everything Right but Still Can’t Sleep

Contents

1. When Good Sleep Habits Aren’t Enough
2. Why Insomnia is So Common in Women
3. What to do When Sleep Won’t Come (Even Though You’re Doing Everything Right)
4. What to Do If You’re Awake at 3am
5. The Quiet Truth About “Fixing” Sleep
6. You’re Not Broken — You’re Listening to Your Body
7. Final Thoughts on When You’re Doing Everything Right but Still Can’t Sleep

1. When Good Sleep Habits Aren’t Enough

One of the most unhelpful narratives around sleep is that it is something we can control if we just try hard enough. Well, from personal experience I can say that this isn’t just unhelpful but also untrue!

Sleep is not an on–off switch. It is a biological process that emerges when the body feels safe, regulated, and unpressured.

You may already be doing everything right but still can’t sleep :

You may have:

• A consistent bedtime
• No screens in the evening
• Gentle reading or skincare rituals
• Minimal caffeine and alcohol
• Regular exercise

And still — your mind stays awake. This is often where frustration sets in. And ironically, effort becomes the very thing that keeps sleep away.

If you are awake at night, it does not mean you are doing life wrong. It often simply means your nervous system is still processing.

Wakefulness Is Information, Not a Threat

Instead of asking “Why can’t I sleep?” try asking:

• What hasn’t had space to land today?
• Is my body asking for reassurance, not rest?
• Am I exhausted — or overstimulated?

Sometimes wakefulness is the mind finishing unfinished conversations. Sometimes it’s the body coming out of a stressful day. Sometimes it’s simply a rhythm shift. None of these require “fixing”.

The more we monitor sleep, try to force it, or worry about its absence, the more alert the nervous system becomes, and creates the exact opposite of what we want – a restful night.

2. Why Insomnia Is So Common in Women

Research consistently shows that women report more insomnia, experience more fragmented sleep, and are more prone to sleep‑onset anxiety — lying awake while the mind keeps going. This isn’t anecdotal; it’s well supported. Understanding why matters.

Cognitive and Emotional Load

Many women carry significant mental and emotional load into the night — tracking family needs, anticipating responsibilities, or processing conversations and unresolved tensions. This anticipatory cognition keeps the brain alert just in case.

At night, when external demands stop, the mind finally has space to surface everything it’s been holding.

Responsibility Even at Rest

Many women are primed to feel they must remain available, prepared, and emotionally attuned — even when nothing is required of them. Sleep, however, requires psychological safety: the sense that nothing bad will happen if you let go.

If part of your identity is being the one who holds things together, letting go can feel surprisingly unsafe, and this often shows up in insomnia at night.

Hormones Matter

Female sleep is influenced by oestrogen, progesterone, and cortisol sensitivity. These affect body temperature, circadian rhythm, and anxiety thresholds. Midlife changes, perimenopause, and menopause can increase night waking, reduce deep sleep, and amplify the feeling of being wired but tired.

This is physiological — not a personal failing — and it’s still under‑acknowledged.

Stress Patterns

Women often process stress internally and cognitively, while men may process it externally or physically. Neither is better or worse — they are simply different nervous system strategies.

Men typically fall asleep faster and ruminate less at night, but may suppress emotional processing or experience stress physically — through tension, irritability, or early‑morning waking.

Difficulty sleeping is often a sign of awareness, sensitivity, and responsibility — not failure. So when the body finally drops its guard at night … the mind speaks up. Not because something is wrong — but because it finally can.

Learning to sleep better is frequently less about adding new rituals and more about learning how to let go. Creating a calming sleep environment can make a real difference; for tips on designing your bedroom to engage all the senses — from lighting and textures to subtle soundscapes — see our guide on Designing the Bedroom as a Multi-Sensory Experience.

3. What to do When You’re Doing Everything Right but Still Can’t Sleep

When sleep feels elusive, the natural instinct is to tighten control: stricter routines, more rules, more effort. But sleep doesn’t respond well to pressure and ironically, many people with excellent sleep hygiene struggle precisely because they care so deeply about “getting it right.” The nervous system can interpret this striving as alertness rather than rest.

Sleep is not something we force. It’s something that arrives when the body feels safe enough to let go.

If you’re lying in bed thinking “I’ve done all the right things — so why am I still awake?”, here are some practical tips that might help.

Stop “Trying” to Sleep

This may sound counterintuitive, but it’s one of the most powerful shifts you can make. Because sleep doesn’t respond to effort. And paradoxically, the harder we try, the further it retreats.

When you lie in bed actively trying to fall asleep — watching the clock, analysing your body, wondering what’s wrong — your brain moves into problem-solving mode. And problem-solving requires alertness.

Tell yourself — gently — “I am resting, even if I’m awake.”

Gentle practices such as slow breathing, body-based relaxation, or simply lying quietly with your eyes closed can still be restorative — even if sleep itself remains elusive for a while. Reducing stimulation, lowering expectations, and reminding yourself that rest still counts can all help to quiet the internal stress that keeps the mind alert.

And paradoxically, releasing the demand for sleep often allows it to arrive , as removing urgency reduces cortisol, the stress hormone that actively blocks sleep.

Pro tip: Think of rest as a spectrum, not a failure. Quiet rest still supports your nervous system, even before sleep arrives.

Create Psychological Safety, Not Just Rituals

Routines are helpful, but emotional safety matters more.

Ask yourself :

• Am I carrying unspoken worry?
• Have I allowed myself to mentally close the day?

Pro Tip : A short note to self before bed — “Nothing more is required of me tonight” — can be more effective than a supplement.

When you’re doing everything right but still can’t sleep, Try a “Cognitive Shuffle”

If your mind is active — replaying conversations, planning tomorrow, or drifting into worry — cognitive shuffling can be remarkably effective.

In your head, imagine a series of random, neutral images — a bat, a bear, a beaver, a butterfly. There is no story and the only logic is that they start with the same letter. Move slowly from one image to the next.

This mimics the brain’s natural pre‑sleep patterns and disengages analytical thinking. It works particularly well for people who tend to think themselves awake.

Pro tip: If you catch yourself building a story, simply return to another random image — no judgement required.

Watch the Earlier Hours of the Day (Not Just Bedtime)

Many sleep issues begin long before bedtime. Gentle things to check include caffeine after midday (even tea can affect sensitive sleepers), too little daylight exposure in the morning, or evenings that are emotionally or mentally overstimulating.

Incorporating small, intentional pauses into your daily routine can help calm the mind and improve sleep quality; for more ideas on embracing a slower, more mindful approach to life, see our guide on The Art of Slow Living: Embracing a More Intentional Approach

Pro tip: Morning daylight is especially powerful for regulating circadian rhythm — even a short walk outside can help.

If You’re Awake for ~20–30 Minutes, Change the Setting

If you’ve been wide awake for around 20–30 minutes, it can help to change the environment, calmly and without frustration.

If you feel wide awake rather than drowsy, it can help to step out of bed briefly. Keep lighting low and do something boring and non‑stimulating — folding laundry, rereading a familiar book, or sitting quietly.

Return to bed when sleepiness returns. This isn’t giving up on sleep — it’s protecting it. It prevents your brain from associating the bed with frustration or wakefulness.

Pro tip: Avoid phones, bright lights, or anything emotionally engaging. Think neutral and boring.

Accept That Some Nights Will Be Wakeful (And That’s Normal)

Sleep is not linear. Everyone experiences lighter nights, shorter nights, and occasional restless nights. What worsens insomnia isn’t poor sleep — it’s fear of poor sleep.

A reassuring truth worth remembering: “a bad night does not mean a bad day, and a few bad nights do not mean a broken sleep pattern“. Acceptance often creates the safety that allows sleep to return naturally.

Pro Tip: Instead of asking “Why can’t I sleep?”, try asking “What would help my body feel a little safer right now?” Some of the best nights of sleep arrive only after you stop chasing them.

4. What to Do If You’re Awake at 3am

Waking in the early hours — particularly around 3am — is one of the most common sleep complaints, especially among women. It can feel sudden, alert, and emotionally charged, even if you went to bed calmly and followed all the “right” habits.

There are several reasons this happens.

In the early hours of the morning, the body naturally transitions between sleep cycles. At the same time, stress hormones such as cortisol begin to rise in preparation for waking. If your nervous system is already under strain — from ongoing stress, emotional processing, hormonal shifts, or mental load — this rise can be enough to pull you fully awake.

For many women, this window coincides with heightened sensitivity to thoughts. The mind is quieter than during the day, so unresolved worries, creative ideas, or emotional undercurrents can surface more clearly. This doesn’t mean you’re anxious or failing at rest — it means your system has space to process.

If you wake at 3am, the goal is not to solve your life or get back to sleep immediately. Instead

• Keep lights low and avoid stimulating input
• Try slow breathing or a gentle body scan
• Avoid clock-watching, which reinforces alertness
• Remind yourself: “This is a passing state.”

If lying awake becomes frustrating, it’s okay to get up briefly and do something calm and neutral — reading a few pages, stretching lightly, or sitting quietly — until sleepiness returns.

Night waking is information, not failure.

Pro Tip: Keep a notebook by your bed. If thoughts loop, write them down once — not to analyse them, but to reassure your mind that nothing will be forgotten.

5. The Quiet Truth About “Fixing” Sleep

Much of modern sleep advice is built around optimisation — trackers, targets, routines, supplements, and solutions. While some of these can help, they can also unintentionally reinforce the belief that wakefulness equals failure.

In reality, many sleep disruptions are signs of a body doing exactly what it’s designed to do: processing, regulating, and protecting you.

Periods of poor sleep often coincide with emotional growth, life transitions, hormonal changes, or heightened awareness. Trying to “fix” sleep too aggressively can increase anxiety, making rest even harder to access.

Sometimes, sleep improves not when we add more techniques — but when we remove fear from wakefulness.

Pro Tip: If you stop treating wakefulness as an emergency, your nervous system often follows your lead.

6. You’re Not Broken — You’re Listening to Your Body

If you’re lying awake despite doing “everything right,” let this be your permission to stop self-blame.

• You’re not weak.
• You’re not failing.
• And you don’t need fixing.

Your wakefulness may be asking for gentleness, reassurance, or simply time. When you respond with curiosity rather than frustration, your body learns that night-time is safe again — and sleep often returns naturally, in its own rhythm.

And if it doesn’t, that doesn’t diminish your health, your effort, or your worth. Sometimes, the most powerful act of self-care is trusting that your body knows what it’s doing — even in the dark.

Final Thoughts on
When You’re Doing Everything Right but Still Can’t Sleep

If you take just one thing from this post, let it be this:

• You are not failing at sleep.
• You are not broken.
• You are not doing it wrong.
• Your wakefulness is telling you something — and you can listen without panic

Wakefulness — especially in women — is often a sign of sensitivity, responsibility, and a nervous system that has been holding a lot. Sleep improves not when we add more pressure, but when we remove it.
Not when we control the night, but when we trust the body enough to let go.

Some nights will be lighter, some nights will be restless. And some nights will ask you simply to rest, even if sleep doesn’t come quickly. That is not a setback — it’s part of being human.
Learning to sleep better is often less about fixing ourselves and more about listening — calmly, kindly — to what our bodies are really trying to say.

I hope you enjoyed this feature about When You’re Doing Everything Right but Still Can’t Sleep and if so, I would really appreciate it if you would share it. You can do this by saving any of the images to your Pinterest board or clicking on one of the icons below the post to share to Twitter, Facebook or Linked’In, and you can also share it by email to just one person (or more) by clicking on the email icon below.

I will be back soon with more style, lifestyle and travel inspiration and don’t forget to subscribe to make sure you never miss a post,

With love,

Important : This post doesn’t mean ignoring persistent insomnia — medical support is important when sleep disruption is severe or long‑term — but many women don’t need more interventions. They need less pressure.